Over the years, Magic: The Gathering has featured some clever, funny, and poetic flavor text that players love. It's amazing how much wisdom and fun are packed in a few, carefully chosen words. They give us bits of story and character information that you won't find anywhere else. Now, I've compiled a list of 54 of the funniest Magic flavor text for your pleasure.
Note that I've only included cards from Ixalan and previous sets. Any cards released after Unstable and later sets are not included here. Some flavor text in the list are not really considered "funny' but they're witty, creative or just silly. And you'll have to see the artwork of a few of them to get the context like Top 2 on this list. The cards featured here are loosely ranked.
Check out the Top 54 funniest flavor text:
Goblin Offensive
"They certainly are."
Werebear (Odyssey)
"He exercises his right to bear arms."
Bronze Bombshell
"Ooh, shiny! Let's pull off the chain and take her with us."
Goblin Gardener (7th Edition)
"Years of attempts have brought the goblins no closer to growing a sausage tree."
Train of Thought
"But then...oh, but...which means...which would lead to...exactly!"
Border Guard
"Join the army, see foreign countries!" they'd said.
Lhurgoyf
"Ach! Hans, run! It's the lhurgoyf!"
~ Saffi Eriksdotter, last words
Knight of Infamy
"Your laws, like your bones, were meant to be broken."
Imp's Mischief
"Do the innocents pay for the crimes of the guilty? Of course they do. That's the fate of the weak."
~ Nicol Bolas
Skirk Prospector
"I like goblins. They make funny little popping sounds when they die."
~ Braids, dementia summoner
Altar of Dementia
"It is not that you will go mad. It is that you will beg for madness." ~ Volrath
Root Greevil
"The root of all greevils."
Redirect
"It's actually quite simple, but since you've only recently begun to walk upright, it may take some time to explain." ~ Jace Beleren, to Garruk Wildspeaker
Goblin Gardener (Urza's Destiny)
"Grow food in dirt? Save time—eat dirt."
Negate (Magic 2013)
"Masters of the arcane savor a delicious irony. Their study of deep and complex arcana leads to such a simple end: the ability to say merely yes or no."
Goblin Striker
"There's no word in the goblin language for "strategy." Then again, there's no word in the goblin language for 'word.'"
Battle Mastery (Lorwyn)
"Boom Boom Boots the size of oxcarts, then an axe like a falling sun. Elves scattered. Trees scattered. Even the hills ran for the hills"
—Clachan Tales
Little Girl
"In the future, she may be a distinguished leader, a great scholar, or a decorated hero. These days all she does is pee the bed."
Raging Goblin
"He raged at the world, at his family, at his life. But mostly he just raged."
Ib Halfheart, Goblin Tactician
"Everybody but me—CHARGE!"
Goblin Balloon Brigade (Alpha)
"From up here we can drop rocks and arrows and more rocks" "Uh, yeah boss, but how do we get down?"
Phyrexian Hulk (7th Edition)
It doesn't think. It doesn't feel.
It doesn't laugh or cry.
All it does from dusk till dawn
Is make the soldiers die.
—Onean children's rhyme
Furnace Whelp
"Baby dragons can't figure out humans—if they didn't want to be killed, why were they made of meat and treasure?"
Armadillo Cloak
"Don't laugh. It works."
Goblin Battle Jester
"Somehow goblins found a tactical advantage by sending a clown to war."
Spire Barrage
"Goblin lessons include the 2,071 tips for survival. Frek only remembered 2,070."
Mortify (Conspiracy)
"Many who cross Sorin's path come down with a sudden and fatal case of being-in-the-way-of-a-millennia-old-vampire."
Killing Wave
"I come looking for demons and I find a plane full of angels. I hate angels."
—Liliana Vess
Squee (Vanguard)
"The smartest—and only—goblin cabin boy aboard the Weatherlight, Squee has learned that intelligence and common sense are very different things. This matters little, however, since he has neither. Fortunately, he doesn't know what he's missing."
Telepathy
"The most disappointing thing about learning telepathy is finding out how boring people really are."
—Teferi, fourth-level student
Rakdos Keyrune
"The Rakdos use it for everything you can think of and plenty more than that."
Aluren
Squee bounced up and down. "I sees a horsey, an' a piggy, an' a—"
"If you don't shut up," hissed Mirri, "you'll see a kidney and a spleeny."
Null Rod
Gerrard: "But it doesn't do anything!"
Hanna: "No—it does nothing."
Wave of Indifference
"Darius?" "Yeah?" "There's a goblin sneaking up on you." "So?"
Canyon Minotaur
We'll scale these cliffs, traverse Brittle Bridge, and then fight our way down the volcanic slopes on the other side."
"Isn't the shortest route through the canyon?"
"Yes."
"So shouldn't we—"
"No."
Carnage Tyrant
"Sun Empire commanders are well versed in advanced martial strategy. Still, the correct maneuver is usually to deploy the giant, implacable death lizard."
Armored Pegasus (6th Edition)
"Asked how it survived a run-in with a bog imp, the pegasus just shook its mane and burped."
King Cheetah
"If you find yourself and a friend being chased by a king cheetah, you have but one chance: Trip your friend."
—Suq'Ata wisdom
Goblin Arsonist
"With great power comes great risk of getting yourself killed."
Double Play, Double Deal, Double Dip, Double Cross, Double Take
The flavor texts of the Unglued Magic cards Double Dip, Double Play, Double Deal, Double Take, and Double Cross form the following limerick:
In a duel and taking a lickin'... The wizard exclaimed, "I'm no chicken...." "I'm facing defeat,..." "But the next time we meet,..." "You're in for a nasty butt kickin'."
Wall of Swords
"When I said we needed more swords to protect the realm, this was not quite what I had in mind."—Olander, tactician of the Northern Verge
Smoldering Werewolf/ Erupting Dreadwolf
Never thought I'd see the day I'd be wishing to see just a plain old werewolf."
—Raf Gyel of the Quiver of Kessig
". . . heck, I'd settle for anything that even resembled a werewolf."
—Raf Gyel of the Quiver of Kessig
Goblin Pyromancer
"The good news is, we figured out how the wand works. The bad news is, we figured out how the wand works."
Inspiration (Return to Ravnica)
"Day 31: I finally succeeded in my time reversal experiment!
"Day 30: I might have a problem here."
—Journal of the Prime Izmagnus
Foul Imp
"The imp, unaware of its own odor, paused to catch its breath . . . and promptly died."
Searing Spear
"Sometimes you die a glorious death with your sword held high. Sometimes you're just target practice."
Manabarbs
I don't know why people say a double-edged sword is bad. It's a sword. With two edges."
—Kamahl, pit fighter
Step 1: Find your cousin.
Step 2: Get your cousin in the cannon.
Step 3: Find another cousin
Enormous Baloth
"Its diet consists of fruits, plants, small woodland animals, large woodland animals, woodlands, fruit groves, fruit farmers, and small cities."
Pacifism (Dragons of Tarkir)
If I fight, I might step on a butterfly. That would be sad."
—Krowg of Qal Sisma
Reparations
"Sorry I burned down your village. Here's some gold."
Lightmine Field
"If you want to kill a lot of goblins, just make sure your defenses look like fun."
Clergy en-Vec
"Faith's shield is hammered out by the blows of unbelievers."
—Oracle en-Vec
(Hint: Look at how the art matches the flavor text)
Tidal Surge, Ogre Taskmaster, Wild Griffin, Tremor
Four little goblins, trapped by the sea. One teased a serpent, and then there were three.
Three little goblins, enjoying their brew. One bumped an ogre, and then there were two.
Two little goblins, out in the sun. Down came a griffin, and then there was one.
One little goblin shook up the ground. When the dust cleared, no one was found.