Harry Potter and the Cursed Child has been well-received and certainly a success in financial terms. But whether you liked it or not, you have to admit a lot of it was pretty bizarre! (And you could definitely tell it wasn’t written by J.K. Rowling herself, but she approved it, so I digress). Let’s look at some of the weirdest moments this story of Albus Potter and Scorpus Malfoy (the kids of Harry and Draco respectively) has to offer. I haven’t even covered all the weird moments, so feel free to chime in with your own!
Draco Malfoy was rumored to be impotent and he asked Harry Potter to stop the rumor
Yep, this happened. How was Draco expecting Harry to stop it? “Draco Malfoy isn’t impotent. I know this from experience.” That's pretty much the only way Harry can counteract that, Draco. Are you okay with that? Because if you are, it would make a lot of shippers very happy.
Harry Potter is afraid of pigeons
Honestly, it’s not unreal to me that Harry has a weird phobia, a lot of people do, but it is super weird that it would have never come up in, y’know, the seven books from his point of view. It’s not like pigeons aren’t extremely common, if he had such a problem with them you’d think it would have come up!
His other fear, not liking small, dark spaces, makes sense with being locked in cupboard for three years (though again, this was never mentioned. Even though Harry went into small, dark spaces SEVERAL TIMES over the course of the books).
While we’re at things that aren’t in the books, when the hell did Harry get ahold of his baby blanket?
Ron is apparently cool enough with love potions to send them to a teenager, despite past experiences
Love potions are one of the creepiest things in the Harry Potter universe, even if they’re treated pretty lightly at times. They pretty much take away anyone’s ability to consent. And believe it or not, J.K. Rowling did take this to its logical conclusion-Voldemort himself is a child by rape. His mom used a love potion on a Muggle man, had sex with him and the guy was horrified about it and left her when he was no longer drugged up. Yeah, that’s very clearly rape.
Ron has PERSONALLY had bad experiences with love potions too. He knows what it’s like to be affected by one, which would probably be a pretty weird, horrible experience for anyone. He was also poisoned shortly after his experience with the potion, so it would probably have traumatic associations by default. You’d think he’d never want to LOOK at a love potion after that and they’d be the first thing to go when he got involved with Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes
But far from that, The Cursed Child has him send a love potion to a teenage boy as a joke. That’s essentially like sending roofies to a teenager as a joke, and let’s not pretend otherwise.
Harry says he wishes Albus wasn't his son and keeps track of him via The Maurauder's Map
This is just a me thing, but I can't really picture Harry ever saying anything that cruel to his son, so it's bizarre for me. He was abused growing up, so I always thought he'd be sensitive to that kind of thing. But I acknowledge that's a matter of character interpretaton, you never know what people will say when they're angry, he felt bad about it, etc.
What I DO feel comfortable saying is too weird to believe is Harry stalking his son with the Maurauders map, which he does, in order to keep him seperated from his best friend to add to their platonic-star-crossed-lovers-drama (there's no other way to describe it, okay). Seriously, Harry? Chill.
If Hermione doesn't marry Ron, she turns into a bitter husk of herself for some reason
Who knew Ron was the needed ingredient for Hermione not to turn into Snape? Yeah, nope, not buying that. Hermione is presented as a super mean professor if she didn’t marry Ron, openly mocking people in her class, but the girl we know wouldn’t do that, even if she didn’t marry her favorite redhead.
Hermione was a nice, honorable person before ever going out with Ron, so it’s clear she doesn’t need to be in a romantic relationship to be the best person she can be. Hell, she even refused to go with Ron when he walked out on Harry because fighting Voldemort was more important than her feelings for him. She was sad without him, but even though she thought she might never be friends with him again, she didn’t turn into some bitter, hateful girl and carried on beautifully.
Hermione is a self-possessed young woman who does NOT need a guy to be a happy and whole person, thank you very much.
The Trolley Witch is Some Kind of Ancient Demon Horror
So yeah, apparently the nice trolley witch who give Hogwarts students their sweets on the Hogwarts Express was some sort of eldrich demon with claw hands or something all along. It’s not clear what exactly the hell she is (The Terminator? An angel of righteousness? Something straight out Cthulu?) just that she’s an ancient being (who is somehow still outsmarted by two teenagers).
Apparently Hogwarts decided its students would best be kept in line by a horrifying demon lady with explosive Pumpkin Pasties. Yes, those can be used as bombs apparently. How the heck have they never accidentally blown up someone who dropped them while eating? That kind of extreme attitude and reckless disregard for child safety is typical of Hogwarts, but it’s definitely one of the more bizarre plot twists Harry Potter canon has given us
If you humiliate Cedric enough as a teenager, he'll become a remorseless murderer
Scorpius and Albus travel back in time and repeatedly humiliate Cedric at the Triwizard Tournament. Apparently this is enough to cause Cedric to join the Death Eaters.
Cedric, who is one of the nicest people in the Harry Potter books. Cedric, who went out of his way to help Harry in the tournament despite them being opponents, who was so honorable he tried to argue for a rematch when he beat Harry in Quidditch because he felt it was unfair to win because Harry was badly affected by the Dementors, who demanded Harry take the win for the Triwizard Tournament with him because he felt it was only fair after Harry saved him. Whose spirit didn’t seem at all resentful of dying because Voldemort was targeting Harry and simply asked Harry to bring his body pack to his parents.
I don’t know about you, but it’s a big leap that humiliation and mockery and loss of popularity, no matter how severe, would make such a nice kid decide to join a genocidal hate group and become a serial murderer. Even killing Neville freaking Longbottom.
Voldemort has a daughter, which is straight out of every early 2000s fanfic ever
Voldemort has a daughter and she has super cool silver hair and is our antagonist. This is literally the plot to at least 15 fanfics written by fellow thirteen-year-olds back in the day, yet here it is, official canon, I guess. (It was ALWAYS a daughter too. Never a son. I guess “girl Voldemort Jr” is just slightly more compelling than just “Voldemort Jr”?)
I don’t want to picture Voldemort having sex but now this play has forced me to. The question is why? Voldemort doesn’t love anyone, we know that. His purpose in having sex would have been only to produce an heir. But he wouldn’t think that he needed one! He was absolutely convinced he was going to live forever. You could say it was backup plan, but Voldemort never, ever believed he would fail.
The best explanation is he wanted a little Voldemort to mentor, but I couldn’t buy that, really. He already had plenty of followers and all having a kid would accomplish is a potential future power struggle. Voldemort killed his own dad. No way he wouldn’t figure his kid would try do the same.
Everything about Voldemort Day
When I heard the spoilers about “Voldemort Day”, I couldn’t believe it. But it is true. Everything about Voldemort Day is unintentionally (?) hilarious. Basically, Albus and Scorpius screwed up time enough that Harry was killed by Voldemort. Which leads to Hogwarts celebrating Voldemort Day and also having a “Blood Ball” while serenaded with the screams of Muggleborns from the Dungeon. Presumably they all wear spiked collars and blast My Chemical Romance in the halls too. Scorpius Malfoy is now the “Scorpion King” and everyone greets each other with a LEGIT SUPER SPECIAL SECRET HANDSHAKE and say “for Voldemort and Valor” because Death Eaters love nusery rhyme-like catchprases.
Also, why is it suddenly cool to say Voldemort’s name? Even Death Eaters don’t say it, they call him the Dark Lord. You’d think he’s want that kind of fear and respect to continue.
The Entire Play has a Bizarre Anti-Sugar Agenda
Emma Lord noted in her article that Harry Potter and The Cursed Child is REALLY anti-sugar. Which is a bizarre follow-up to book series where the characters inhale sweets every other page. Apparently Ginny Weasley doesn’t let her kids have sugar. Ginny Weasley, sister of Fred and George, sweet purveyors extraordinaire. Ginny, who bonded with Harry over chocolate. What the hell is her damage suddenly?
And how the hell is Harry agreeing to this? Harry met his best friends over sweets! Treacle Tart is one of Harry's favorite smells in the world. Chocolate it what cured Harry when he was attacked by Dementors! WHAT IF YOUR SON GETS ATTACKED BY DEMENTORS HARRY. WILL YOU NOT LET HIM BE CURED???
But no, it gets worse. Apparently Ron is anti-sweets too. That’s right, Ron, human food disposal and sweets enthusiast. He would now be mad if Hermione snuck a toffee. Ron. Mad. At. Hermione. For. Sneaking. Food. What kind of bizzaro universe is this?
Harry even makes sure to inform Hermione “you can get addicted to that stuff”. I didn’t see the actual play, but I presume he then turned to audience and announced it like a PSA.